When I reflect on the past and look at the broad scheme of things.. They are mostly sad. Lots of sadness and pain. And I know there’s a time where you’re supposed to look back and no longer be sad anymore. You’re supposed to move on and move past the pain, you’re supposed to look back and be able to come to terms with everything.. Well you’re supposed to get to that point right? It can be hard to believe that. I’ve been working so hard to get there.. All I want is to be happy.
Now, I try to breathe slowly when I think about the past. The sensation of my heart beginning to pound; my sympathetic nervous system firing off norepinephrine signalling my flight or fight response.. This is my brain chemistry but I have no control over my overreaction.. my heart continues to pound; thump, thump, thump.. Similar to the sound of my feet, as they run up a dark stairway. I am determined to get to the top, back into the light. Quickly, quickly now… I breathe in, I breathe out. Inhale with the intention, “I will get to the top..” I push the air from my lungs, and exhale- Mindful release.
I’m learning to channel this nervous energy- I focus on the color black.. In this color, I feel the ultimate sense of calm.. The color of nothingness. The universe is mostly nothingness. Sometimes I long for this nothingness.. to be nothingness. This infinite space we call home is 60% dark energy and I hate to say it but I’m about 60% dark most days.. However Einstein theorized that dark energy is not merely nothingness, that this energy accelerates the universe causing it to grow, and grow, and grow… And in my darkest times, I grow, and I grow, and I grow..
So now..When I look at the broad scheme of things, I see the potential for growth and I see the potential for happiness all around me.. And I know there’s a time when you’re supposed to look back and no longer be sad.. And I’m not sad anymore. It is time for me to move past the pain, to come to terms with everything.. Not because there aren’t reasons to be sad, but because there are so many reasons to be happy. This moment is the future which I hold in my hands. The future is a brighter place, and I can believe that now. I am creating it. The future is now, and I’m choosing to be happy.
bodhisattva 